When I Say Church

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Suggested listening: Explosions in the Sky's "First Breath After Coma"

When I say church, it is complicated.

Church 10 years ago meant a dozen or so of us gathering in the living room of our rental home, seated in a mish-mash of folding chairs, our couch, and whatever else we had, circled up to sing, to study, to learn, and to eat together. It meant gathering in an intimate space, praying this kindling would grow into a fire.

Church seven years ago meant the two of us church planters - pastor and pastor’s wife - limping along, exhausted and convinced we needed to keep going, determined and disappointed that our coffee shop space wasn’t full, frustrated with limited growth. It meant leading reluctantly, holding on to what seemed to be required of us.

Church four years ago meant walking in with my child on my hip, face flushed with the shame of an impending divorce, brain exhausted from doing the math of how I even fit in this place anymore and avoiding the dreaded “greet your neighbor” time, another awkward reminder of being alone. It meant feeling lost, stumbling for the first time in a place that used to feel like home.

Church last year meant freeing myself from the perceived hot shame of single motherhood, taking my dear friend up on an invitation to worship, and stepping into a surprisingly warm, welcoming place with my daughter at my side. It meant making a choice, believing in the value of learning about God together.

Church today - this morning - meant a breath of fresh air, streamed into our living room. It meant enjoying a tickle fight during a hymn, hearing my daughter answer the children’s minister like she’s right here beside us, sharing our makeshift pew with the litany of stuffed animals Laila brought to church with her.

It means a vital nudging reminder of the holiness and mystery of Jesus, instead of living for the approval of a social club.

When I say church, it is complicated.

Comments

  1. UnknownApril 19, 2020 at 11:28 AM

    We are all children of God no matter what our steps along the way have been. You are such a great mom, don't let anyone judge!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Eric JenningsApril 19, 2020 at 11:43 AM

    Such wonderful comments, dear. Believe me, it is complicated.

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownApril 19, 2020 at 6:39 PM

    The one amazing thing I have learned over the past two years is that church is a group of imperfect people seeking answers about God and Jesus. The love of people who have walked in our shoes before us do not judge, talk about us, they love us and teach us. Church is complicated but Jesus and God are not. You are an amazing mom, professional.

    ReplyDelete

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